I am not a before and after story...

What is most important is not whether we are predisposed to an enslaving habit but whether we are willing to do whatever it takes to bring this “diseased body” habit, or idol, under the control of reason and faith.

Yes, I am this enslaved little one. The thought produces an ache in my heart. I bear the scars of many wayward travels, painful journeys in dark forests. Places where I came to believe no one could rescue me, or no one would want to. For, oh my goodness, if people really knew who I was, what I was like. If people could see all that I lack, or hear my silly mumblings. If people saw this broken and bruised girl, huddled in a pile. Was I worth the effort, the investment? No, I wasn’t not to this world at least. There is only so much man can invest in another before they have to cut you loose. Man does not know how to love without depending on their own strength to tend to the broken. Only one can, and that is God.

He never gave up on me, which is why I am still here today. When I finally stopped running, He was right there, ready to wrap His loving arms around me and carry me back home where I belong. He placed specific people in my life to allow me to stop hiding. To stand out with a light of a microscope over me, allowing my family (Oh how I love you) and sisters (Lisa, Lauren, Caitlyn, Hannah, Lindsay) to lead me.I am a lost girl, but there is a twist to my story. It is not about an unbeliever who finds Jesus after years of wondering and is saved. Because when this story began, I ALREADY KNEW JESUS. I was already SAVED. I still NEED RESCUING!

I NEED MORE, I NEEDED HEALING FOR MY WOUNDS, I NEEDED FORGIVENESS AND GUIDANCE.

And I am not the only one. Most churched I have attended are filled with terrified, wandering little girls. Christian girls who see nothing in their lives but disappointment, rejection, shame, and brokenness. Women who struggle with painful experiences. I am talking about bible believing, born again women.

I understand how these women feel, because I have been where they are. In some ways, I am totally still there. I am a good Christian girl too. I grew up in the church and learned scripture. In fact I am a PK AND A MK. I accepted Christ at 11 and I am attending Dallas BAPTIST University. But my life has been full of pain and sin and shame and BROKENESS. I have struggled with suicidal thoughts, eating disorders, etc…my life has been touched, not gently, with the reality of addiction and mental illness. I have known hopelessness to a point I could hardly breathe. There was a time, not too long ago, yikes, that I took steps to end my own life. Not a very Christian way to live? THAT’S EXACTLY MY POINT OF THIS POST!

I WAS A CHRISTIAN IN ALL MY LOST TIMES. And as much as I tried, I could not find my way out, No theoretical approach to my mind helped. I could not get to the place where I could hear the call of forgivenss. A place where my Father saw me, knew me, and embraced me. I place where I could run into His arms and scream at the top of my lungs “ Daddy, I found You.” And he would grasp me tightly and gently whisper, “Baby girl, I have been searching for you.”

In my experience and currently observing others, honesty can be a problem, especially for good Christian girls, because we are used to before and after stories. We are pretty quick to cover up our deeper failings, because we do not know how to handle pain or even because deep down, we are not sure God can really handle who we really are. BUT when we do that, we send a message to those who are hurting, that they are not welcome in our churches and lives. Especially if they are honest and admit they are losing the battle. And when we send this message, even to ourselves, I believe we are actually working against God.

God can work miracles with pain. It is pride and dishonesty and self deseption that slow down His rescue mission. I HAVE CERTAINLY HAVE HAD A HARD TIME WITH THIS.

I once believed that the Christian life was a simple before and after story, like the Disney movies I grew up watching, and believing in Jesus would automatically give me victory. That is false : ). Tenderly and relentlessly, He is pulling down my false idols and reminding me victory over sin is a battle I WILL NEVER WHEN HERE ON EARTH.