So I went on a coffee run for my friend Ashley and I tonight around 2:30, in the darkest of nights. I got back on campus, and stopped to give the security my ID, we fellow shipped for a bit. We started with his schedule, because he is the man that is always guarding the gates after curfew (yes I am out after curfew a lot). He shared with me why he loved his job, because the long hours seem so rough to me. Heck its 3:20, pulling an all-nighter (probably should be working on my stuff and not this note, but I had to let it out how amazing this man is, and how safe I feel tonight). He explained his calling came biblically, he felt called to be 'a gate keeper', to protect us students from what goes on outside our gates. Now I knew that drug deals happened down by the boat docks, but he shared more with me (shootings, car fires etc.). This scared me a bit; especially because I gave a man a ride to a bus stop that was walking from community service off parole on that same street. (yeah I’m in trouble I know with my daddy and bubba).
This semester, I have been trying to catch what goes on under those dangling shoes on the wire across my campus, the campus that I love so much, where I found God, full of people that led me to God, and those people- I would do anything to protect. Every day, I go off campus a few times, and try to record/catch the deals that are made so I can take it to the police right down the road. I have re-thought my methods of fighting the Drug War. It has just bothered me so much, and I wanted to fight what my parents are fighting daily by bringing Truth to the people of Mexico. After all, that is the danger they face every day, and I felt I was protecting them as well in a small way (very small way). But if you are a missionary kid, you understand what it’s like to be so far away from the people you love the most, which face dangers and heartache, but you have no control or way of preventing that harm upon them. The small things that you can control and prevent, you have to grab those. You have to in order to get sleep and to go through your day knowing you are fighting with them in some way instead of feeling absent and non-influential within their lives.
I shared that with him, and he looked at me with such intensity (much like my Grandpa who was in the force) and said that he will take care of it, he will protect the gates of the school and the people I love so much, of me, and he will take care of those dangling shoes. I have not felt such peace all semester. It got me thinking of where I was last semester, and where I’m at now. I came so far but got caught in this mindset again: control ( and no I’m not acting on past coping behaviors, I know that’s the thought, I’m just talking about the mindset) and it began to trigger me.I think it began not too long after I gave my testimony for the first time. I don’t think Satan liked that and almost felt immediately like I stepped into a war zone. Since that night, the nightmares have become insane regarding my family, and the girls I minister within pro-Ana. It began to eat at my flesh and emaciated my Spirit. Most of the semester, I had to delete my Facebook to escape the crippling spirit a began to develop. I couldn’t control their choices, I couldn’t save them.
Again, there it is, I tried to control what was God's, not mine. My family, that is in God’s control, the pro-Ana’s, that is in God's control, my future, again, that is God's. After my conversation with Mr. David, security guard- DBU's 'Gate Keeper'- I felt an overwhelming spirit being released from my heart. I surrendered. Lol , it seems since a little over a year ago, there is always something throughout the day,a discovery about myself or others around me, that I just place at His feet.Obviously though, He is still transforming me. My nature is weak.The moment I taste victory and claim it of my strength and will, I seem to fall into the same place. EVERY TIME. Though this time was much easier with the living word continually breathing encouragement, and love into me. No Lifetime movie to made this time (ha see how a make jokes...i hate lifetime, some ones always getting raped or overcoming the difficult circumstances of their environment, blah). Anyways...
I can't protect my family, I can’t fix the the Drug War, I can't transform the hearts of the pro-Ana’s, and that’s the way it's supposed to be. So that man kind can't say, look what I have done, but instead look what God has done. In that, victory and the glory of God is proclaimed. Oh how beautiful His ways are than mine!
God is my Gate-Keeper. He will protect his Will. No matter what, I will be obedient to that Will that gave me victory. I am so blessed by meeting Mr. David. I feel safe, and at rest that God has sent such a man, so that my heart could be at peace in the darkest of nights.
