I miss her most at night

The night is still, the world has slowed down.

The cars are quiet, the kids are silent.

Peace has come upon the night, the day winds down.

Yet in the vast field of night, something is missing.

What is this my heart so desires?

While it is present, it is yet far away.

While it is here, it is absent.

While it is strong, it is yet a whisper in wind.

It is the voice telling my heart, I am here.

It is the invisible touch brushing my shoulder.

It is right beside me, yet unseen.

The thing missing is her.

One mile or forty miles, this shall not matter.

The distance seems like light years.

Yet while she is far, she is near.

She is the invisible smile beside me, the skip in my step.

The lips telling me its ok, we are almost there.

It's the sound of a future mother, the sound of a wife.

The voice of a confidant, the voice of a friend.

The calm to my storm, the up to my down, the wind in my sail.

Yet still I miss her as the evening falls upon this place.

But yet my heart jumps out and says do not fear! These months shall soon be days shall soon be hours. The bridge is shortening, the gap is growing ever smaller. The day shall soon be upon us when two shall become one. There will be no me, no you, just us. Not two halves, but one whole. No more what should I, but what should we. No more self. A new creation better than the parts. Joined by God for a new purpose. A new calling. A new journey. No more chains of distance, no more good-byes, no more until tomorrow. Only today and now! Every minute, every second cherished, loved, embraced.

So therefore thine heart, do not worry. This thing that He has founded & blessed shall not be harmed. Shall not be discouraged. Shall not be feared. For again, who is stronger than He? Tests, trials, distance, roads, miles, loneliness, hurts, tears? Worry not on these things, for they are all under his feet.

So my soul, remember this: even though she is missed in the evening, she is here. She is the presence you feel beside you as you fall into sleep. She is the unseen embrace as you unwind from the day. She is that constant you always feel, but cannot explain. Most importantly, she is the love you feel. The love you sense, the love that bridges the gap between the here and now. The omnipresent love from now until all eternity.

Listen to me, my heart, as you lie down on thy pillow. Let your longing be lifted knowing she is not gone but right here. Right here.

- Mark

1 YEAR!

March second, my one year anniversary. I have been free from a long suffered battle. One year today, I must say, this Love overwhelms me each day. For on this day, I found my flesh weak so that He could say," For in me alone, your strength is found and never again will you declare you are your own."

God spoke to me;a message to me that I couldn't ignore.It was like He was sitting beside me.He breathed into my soul, Answers I needed to behold.

"There are lots of things about my past,too many sins and many regrets."He said, "Just confess and your sins I'll cast
into the sea as far as east to west."

"But first, I need to change my path,before I come and make my plea." He said, "Do you get clean to take a bath?
My blood's enough to set you free!"

"I'd like to change but I don't think I can. I need strength and control.I can't submit to Your Will and my own" And He simply said, " Child you are right.But I'm the Great 'I Am'!
Did I not change water into wine?"

"Today's the day I gave my heart to God because on a cross His Son was offered. I trust in him alone and take Him at his Word. My past and present sins are covered!"

God said to me, "Step from your chair and at the altar kneel at my throne. Do not worry because I'll meet you there
and you'll never again have to walk alone!"

So I stand here now a forgiven woman because at His cross my sins were laid.My God has revealed His master plan
and on that cross my debt was paid.

Your Indescribable, You Are Amazing God!

From the highest of heights to the depths of the sea
Creation's revealing Your majesty
From the colors of fall to the fragrance of spring
Every creature unique in the song that it sings
All exclaiming!

Indescribable, uncontainable
You placed the stars in the sky
And You know them by name
You are amazing, God!

All powerful, untameable
Awestruck we fall to our knees
As we humbly proclaim
You are amazing, God!
Who has told every lightning bolt where it should go
Or seen heavenly storehouses laden with snow
Who imagined the sun and gives source to its light
Yet, conceals it to bring us the coolness of night
None can fathom!
Incomparable, unchangeable

You see the depths of my heart
And You love me the same
You are amazing, God
You are amazing, God

My Sisters Lauren and Lisa

Something brought you to my mind today/I thought about the funny ways you make me laugh.

And yet I feel like it's ok to cry with you/Something about just being with you that/When I leave I feel like I've been with God/And that's the way it ought to be.
Cause you've been more than a friend to me/You fight off my enemies/Cause you have spoken the truth over my life/And you'll never know what it means to me/Just to know you've been on your knees for meYou had faith when I had none/You prayed God would bring me a brand new song/When I didn't think I could find the strength to sing/And all the while I've been hoping that I'll do/ The kind of praying for you that you've done for me/and that's the way it outght to be.
You have carried me/You have taken on a burden/that wasn't your own/may that blessing return to you/A hundredfold/Oh, you have blessed my life/more than you'll ever know/Oh, more than you'll ever know

My Precious Sisters, What I Would Say

Fear Takes Over

It has been an emotional week for me. I came home from Mexico with a heavy heart to bring to the Lord. Each loved one in my family is going through hardships and daily battles with the enemy that I was completely unaware of until my last week spent with my family. My flesh has a nature, has a tendency to search for rationalization and to restore pain through my will/control.I have been disciplined by the Lord to recognize this tendency, yet I at times forget and the enemy creeps in. Fear takes over.

The last three days have been spent at my Aunts with my family, including my daddy. He flew in with the news that the woman to whom with the strength and love of God, who shaped each individual in my family, is slowly passing away. Most likely she may not make it through the night. Today, I sneaked away with my Aunt and future mother in law, and we tried on the wedding dress. I'm glad there was a curtain because there was a moment I lost control. All these emotions crept up on me and fear took over me.

I fear for my babies. Will Lottie find her strength in God, or continue to seek control in her behaviors as her sister? Does Emma know how much I love her and that she is MINE, My Baby sister, mommy and daddy's baby girl and always will be? Will their lives be protected in Mexico City? Will my mommy's heart continue to break and lose it's precious innocence it always held? Will daddy be the leader to God's arms they need? Will everything be ok?Will new found Love continue to strengthen me, or will I fall? Fear has taken over.

My mommy sent me a note my brother sent to me on his blog when I left for DBU four years ago, oh how scared I was. It overwhelms me to think of all that has happened in the last 4 years. This was it:

Bucket starts at DBU today! She is now officially a patriot. I think some advice for my baby sister is needed:

1. Do not pull all nighters! This is the best advice I can give you. Study during the day while you are fresh. Since you do not have a 9:00-5:00, there is no need to study past 10:00. Although sometimes you might need to.

2. Don't freak out at midterms!

3. Don't make fun of the emo kids. I know, I know, it is soooo tempting, but just try to be nice. Especially to the philosophy majors. They act like they have cracked the code of life, but really it is all common sense.

4. Call me if you need anything!

5. Be a dork and write your name with all of the professional specifications that you want and degrees like I did at the beginning of the post. It's fun. Just don't tell anyone...oh, oops =D

Take some names, Bucket! Take that athletic drive and strength from competition and take no prisoners! WHAT TIME IS IT?!?!? GAME TIME!!

Weakens me to think of all the "one year since's" coming up to celebrate in the next few months in comparison to even my first arrival at DBU:

• Tomorrow, is mine and Mark's one year anniversary
• February, I found the Lord. lol more like He found me. The moment, EXACT moment I felt His Spirit and accepted His Truth, I have been restored. I began a journey of complete restoration.
• March 2nd, was day one. It will be one year since I was just a little girl, that I have been free from my eating disorder.

I am reminded by my reminiscence today. I have nothing to fear. It is impossible for me to forget what the Lord has done in my heart. I have complete Trust in His Will. In the end, I will declare my story, His Love, His plan...PERFECT. I will bow before Him and declare His glory over my flesh,my soul. I will cast all His perfect works in crowns before Him and as my past idols burn beneath my feet, I will continue to glorify Him. I deserved the fires of hell, but He held me, and pulled me out of the pit of fire I continuously jumped into. Oh how I praise Him and long to hold tighter to His Love.

The Lord is in control of my family, my heart, even that first day at DBU up till now...Peace takes over. I know His work is beautiful, and it will be a masterpiece.

Goodbye fear.

2011 Plans

My 2011 To Do: Basically WEDDING PLANS

1. To be more vulnerable in my love's arms. I still often struggle with this concept in the Lord's arms at times. I no longer see it as weakness, but I am so conditioned to stiffen and pull away into myself. When I came home from Mexico, my heart was so heavy, and I pushed love away. I cant do this to my sweet Mark and I know if I bring this to the Lord's altar, He will continue to bring down my walls. I have full confidence He is continuously healing my heart, and disciplining my mind.

2. Focus on career options for when I graduate next December: CPS, I would love to teach Psychology...i would love to get my Masters in counseling, but I don't know financially,Lots of choices but those are the main ones. Any suggestions? I'm taking them.

3. Kick of my ministry Mind vs Flesh

4. Really excited about leading a study, Spiritual Warfare, through THREAD(womens ministry)

5.Couples Counseling with my sweet Mark

6. Gain 10 pounds(its harder than you think)

7. Go visit my family in Mexico for a few weeks this summer.

8. Plan a wedding!

Im sure this is going to grow! yay!