Fear Takes Over

It has been an emotional week for me. I came home from Mexico with a heavy heart to bring to the Lord. Each loved one in my family is going through hardships and daily battles with the enemy that I was completely unaware of until my last week spent with my family. My flesh has a nature, has a tendency to search for rationalization and to restore pain through my will/control.I have been disciplined by the Lord to recognize this tendency, yet I at times forget and the enemy creeps in. Fear takes over.

The last three days have been spent at my Aunts with my family, including my daddy. He flew in with the news that the woman to whom with the strength and love of God, who shaped each individual in my family, is slowly passing away. Most likely she may not make it through the night. Today, I sneaked away with my Aunt and future mother in law, and we tried on the wedding dress. I'm glad there was a curtain because there was a moment I lost control. All these emotions crept up on me and fear took over me.

I fear for my babies. Will Lottie find her strength in God, or continue to seek control in her behaviors as her sister? Does Emma know how much I love her and that she is MINE, My Baby sister, mommy and daddy's baby girl and always will be? Will their lives be protected in Mexico City? Will my mommy's heart continue to break and lose it's precious innocence it always held? Will daddy be the leader to God's arms they need? Will everything be ok?Will new found Love continue to strengthen me, or will I fall? Fear has taken over.

My mommy sent me a note my brother sent to me on his blog when I left for DBU four years ago, oh how scared I was. It overwhelms me to think of all that has happened in the last 4 years. This was it:

Bucket starts at DBU today! She is now officially a patriot. I think some advice for my baby sister is needed:

1. Do not pull all nighters! This is the best advice I can give you. Study during the day while you are fresh. Since you do not have a 9:00-5:00, there is no need to study past 10:00. Although sometimes you might need to.

2. Don't freak out at midterms!

3. Don't make fun of the emo kids. I know, I know, it is soooo tempting, but just try to be nice. Especially to the philosophy majors. They act like they have cracked the code of life, but really it is all common sense.

4. Call me if you need anything!

5. Be a dork and write your name with all of the professional specifications that you want and degrees like I did at the beginning of the post. It's fun. Just don't tell anyone...oh, oops =D

Take some names, Bucket! Take that athletic drive and strength from competition and take no prisoners! WHAT TIME IS IT?!?!? GAME TIME!!

Weakens me to think of all the "one year since's" coming up to celebrate in the next few months in comparison to even my first arrival at DBU:

• Tomorrow, is mine and Mark's one year anniversary
• February, I found the Lord. lol more like He found me. The moment, EXACT moment I felt His Spirit and accepted His Truth, I have been restored. I began a journey of complete restoration.
• March 2nd, was day one. It will be one year since I was just a little girl, that I have been free from my eating disorder.

I am reminded by my reminiscence today. I have nothing to fear. It is impossible for me to forget what the Lord has done in my heart. I have complete Trust in His Will. In the end, I will declare my story, His Love, His plan...PERFECT. I will bow before Him and declare His glory over my flesh,my soul. I will cast all His perfect works in crowns before Him and as my past idols burn beneath my feet, I will continue to glorify Him. I deserved the fires of hell, but He held me, and pulled me out of the pit of fire I continuously jumped into. Oh how I praise Him and long to hold tighter to His Love.

The Lord is in control of my family, my heart, even that first day at DBU up till now...Peace takes over. I know His work is beautiful, and it will be a masterpiece.

Goodbye fear.