The 'Gate Keeper' :Last Nights Beauty in the Dark

So I went on a coffee run for my friend Ashley and I tonight around 2:30, in the darkest of nights. I got back on campus, and stopped to give the security my ID, we fellow shipped for a bit. We started with his schedule, because he is the man that is always guarding the gates after curfew (yes I am out after curfew a lot). He shared with me why he loved his job, because the long hours seem so rough to me. Heck its 3:20, pulling an all-nighter (probably should be working on my stuff and not this note, but I had to let it out how amazing this man is, and how safe I feel tonight). He explained his calling came biblically, he felt called to be 'a gate keeper', to protect us students from what goes on outside our gates. Now I knew that drug deals happened down by the boat docks, but he shared more with me (shootings, car fires etc.). This scared me a bit; especially because I gave a man a ride to a bus stop that was walking from community service off parole on that same street. (yeah I’m in trouble I know with my daddy and bubba).

This semester, I have been trying to catch what goes on under those dangling shoes on the wire across my campus, the campus that I love so much, where I found God, full of people that led me to God, and those people- I would do anything to protect. Every day, I go off campus a few times, and try to record/catch the deals that are made so I can take it to the police right down the road. I have re-thought my methods of fighting the Drug War. It has just bothered me so much, and I wanted to fight what my parents are fighting daily by bringing Truth to the people of Mexico. After all, that is the danger they face every day, and I felt I was protecting them as well in a small way (very small way). But if you are a missionary kid, you understand what it’s like to be so far away from the people you love the most, which face dangers and heartache, but you have no control or way of preventing that harm upon them. The small things that you can control and prevent, you have to grab those. You have to in order to get sleep and to go through your day knowing you are fighting with them in some way instead of feeling absent and non-influential within their lives.

I shared that with him, and he looked at me with such intensity (much like my Grandpa who was in the force) and said that he will take care of it, he will protect the gates of the school and the people I love so much, of me, and he will take care of those dangling shoes. I have not felt such peace all semester. It got me thinking of where I was last semester, and where I’m at now. I came so far but got caught in this mindset again: control ( and no I’m not acting on past coping behaviors, I know that’s the thought, I’m just talking about the mindset) and it began to trigger me.I think it began not too long after I gave my testimony for the first time. I don’t think Satan liked that and almost felt immediately like I stepped into a war zone. Since that night, the nightmares have become insane regarding my family, and the girls I minister within pro-Ana. It began to eat at my flesh and emaciated my Spirit. Most of the semester, I had to delete my Facebook to escape the crippling spirit a began to develop. I couldn’t control their choices, I couldn’t save them.

Again, there it is, I tried to control what was God's, not mine. My family, that is in God’s control, the pro-Ana’s, that is in God's control, my future, again, that is God's. After my conversation with Mr. David, security guard- DBU's 'Gate Keeper'- I felt an overwhelming spirit being released from my heart. I surrendered. Lol , it seems since a little over a year ago, there is always something throughout the day,a discovery about myself or others around me, that I just place at His feet.Obviously though, He is still transforming me. My nature is weak.The moment I taste victory and claim it of my strength and will, I seem to fall into the same place. EVERY TIME. Though this time was much easier with the living word continually breathing encouragement, and love into me. No Lifetime movie to made this time (ha see how a make jokes...i hate lifetime, some ones always getting raped or overcoming the difficult circumstances of their environment, blah). Anyways...

I can't protect my family, I can’t fix the the Drug War, I can't transform the hearts of the pro-Ana’s, and that’s the way it's supposed to be. So that man kind can't say, look what I have done, but instead look what God has done. In that, victory and the glory of God is proclaimed. Oh how beautiful His ways are than mine!

God is my Gate-Keeper. He will protect his Will. No matter what, I will be obedient to that Will that gave me victory. I am so blessed by meeting Mr. David. I feel safe, and at rest that God has sent such a man, so that my heart could be at peace in the darkest of nights.

I have never taken a test to discover my spiritual gifts. In my opinion, the gifts of the holy spirit are not to be attempted to attain in a singular manner. What I mean is, on our continuous path to transformation, we are to discipline our flesh to all areas: giving, mercy, service etc. I do agree though, that the Lord equips strongly in one which is our motivation within the body of Christ and is strengthened by our disciple to equipped other fruits of the Spirit as we continue to conform our images of Christ.

This week, I am taking a mini term, 1 and 2 Peter and Jude. We took time to focus on spiritual gifts today and took a test. The outcome made me uncomfortable yet gave me insight to what it is I have been struggling with this semester. My results: Prophecy with mercy right behind it by 2 points. As you may suspect, this is abnormal for someone my age who still has so much to grow in. I see the Lord in this. I am having to learn the balance that most don't (or at least this is what I was told, actually was encouraged today by my professor referring to me Jeremiah "the weeping prophet" ).

Now, the struggle. I was not aware of this gift until today, but it certainly fits. I now understand the gift of prophecy. It is to proclaim God's message to a dying world that often does not want to hear it, boldly and without fear. It is also to proclaim God's word to the body of Christ (that often does not want to hear it), again boldly and without fear. Lol I even did this before I knew Truth, in a sense I would boldly speak to people through psychology. Yet it was the softening of my heart which gives me mercy.

Lately, everyone around me seems to cast me out. From what I have been told from the two friends I do have and family, is I expose vulnerability, and people don't like that, so I shouldn't do it. Lol! I must say, this is why I have been in hiding the last couple months. I anger people. This is very hard for me. I LOVE people. I hurt for them and I shout joy with them. Whats worse is when it comes down to a loved sister and God. I of course have ran to God. He has disciplined me to do so. BUT IT HURTS.

I still am in the dark, but I did have an encouraging conversation with my dear friend and mentor Dr. Wallace. To shed some light on the situation I am currently in, I am hated, mocked behind my back with irrational anger all around me Monday through Friday. The glares are certainly interesting lol. So of course, I am timid, full of insecurity, and doubt. It has overflowed into my pursuing of Gods will. She caught that and simply led me to this: to obey. That is all I can do. The rest is not in my control.

Please pray for me as the Lord continues to invest in me. So many times, I feel too weak. I know though, Truth prevails and will be exposed all for His glory. It's not about my comfortability, its about His glorification. Through joy and suffering.

Wordless Wednesday

I miss her most at night

The night is still, the world has slowed down.

The cars are quiet, the kids are silent.

Peace has come upon the night, the day winds down.

Yet in the vast field of night, something is missing.

What is this my heart so desires?

While it is present, it is yet far away.

While it is here, it is absent.

While it is strong, it is yet a whisper in wind.

It is the voice telling my heart, I am here.

It is the invisible touch brushing my shoulder.

It is right beside me, yet unseen.

The thing missing is her.

One mile or forty miles, this shall not matter.

The distance seems like light years.

Yet while she is far, she is near.

She is the invisible smile beside me, the skip in my step.

The lips telling me its ok, we are almost there.

It's the sound of a future mother, the sound of a wife.

The voice of a confidant, the voice of a friend.

The calm to my storm, the up to my down, the wind in my sail.

Yet still I miss her as the evening falls upon this place.

But yet my heart jumps out and says do not fear! These months shall soon be days shall soon be hours. The bridge is shortening, the gap is growing ever smaller. The day shall soon be upon us when two shall become one. There will be no me, no you, just us. Not two halves, but one whole. No more what should I, but what should we. No more self. A new creation better than the parts. Joined by God for a new purpose. A new calling. A new journey. No more chains of distance, no more good-byes, no more until tomorrow. Only today and now! Every minute, every second cherished, loved, embraced.

So therefore thine heart, do not worry. This thing that He has founded & blessed shall not be harmed. Shall not be discouraged. Shall not be feared. For again, who is stronger than He? Tests, trials, distance, roads, miles, loneliness, hurts, tears? Worry not on these things, for they are all under his feet.

So my soul, remember this: even though she is missed in the evening, she is here. She is the presence you feel beside you as you fall into sleep. She is the unseen embrace as you unwind from the day. She is that constant you always feel, but cannot explain. Most importantly, she is the love you feel. The love you sense, the love that bridges the gap between the here and now. The omnipresent love from now until all eternity.

Listen to me, my heart, as you lie down on thy pillow. Let your longing be lifted knowing she is not gone but right here. Right here.

- Mark

1 YEAR!

March second, my one year anniversary. I have been free from a long suffered battle. One year today, I must say, this Love overwhelms me each day. For on this day, I found my flesh weak so that He could say," For in me alone, your strength is found and never again will you declare you are your own."

God spoke to me;a message to me that I couldn't ignore.It was like He was sitting beside me.He breathed into my soul, Answers I needed to behold.

"There are lots of things about my past,too many sins and many regrets."He said, "Just confess and your sins I'll cast
into the sea as far as east to west."

"But first, I need to change my path,before I come and make my plea." He said, "Do you get clean to take a bath?
My blood's enough to set you free!"

"I'd like to change but I don't think I can. I need strength and control.I can't submit to Your Will and my own" And He simply said, " Child you are right.But I'm the Great 'I Am'!
Did I not change water into wine?"

"Today's the day I gave my heart to God because on a cross His Son was offered. I trust in him alone and take Him at his Word. My past and present sins are covered!"

God said to me, "Step from your chair and at the altar kneel at my throne. Do not worry because I'll meet you there
and you'll never again have to walk alone!"

So I stand here now a forgiven woman because at His cross my sins were laid.My God has revealed His master plan
and on that cross my debt was paid.

Your Indescribable, You Are Amazing God!

From the highest of heights to the depths of the sea
Creation's revealing Your majesty
From the colors of fall to the fragrance of spring
Every creature unique in the song that it sings
All exclaiming!

Indescribable, uncontainable
You placed the stars in the sky
And You know them by name
You are amazing, God!

All powerful, untameable
Awestruck we fall to our knees
As we humbly proclaim
You are amazing, God!
Who has told every lightning bolt where it should go
Or seen heavenly storehouses laden with snow
Who imagined the sun and gives source to its light
Yet, conceals it to bring us the coolness of night
None can fathom!
Incomparable, unchangeable

You see the depths of my heart
And You love me the same
You are amazing, God
You are amazing, God

My Sisters Lauren and Lisa

Something brought you to my mind today/I thought about the funny ways you make me laugh.

And yet I feel like it's ok to cry with you/Something about just being with you that/When I leave I feel like I've been with God/And that's the way it ought to be.
Cause you've been more than a friend to me/You fight off my enemies/Cause you have spoken the truth over my life/And you'll never know what it means to me/Just to know you've been on your knees for meYou had faith when I had none/You prayed God would bring me a brand new song/When I didn't think I could find the strength to sing/And all the while I've been hoping that I'll do/ The kind of praying for you that you've done for me/and that's the way it outght to be.
You have carried me/You have taken on a burden/that wasn't your own/may that blessing return to you/A hundredfold/Oh, you have blessed my life/more than you'll ever know/Oh, more than you'll ever know

My Precious Sisters, What I Would Say

Fear Takes Over

It has been an emotional week for me. I came home from Mexico with a heavy heart to bring to the Lord. Each loved one in my family is going through hardships and daily battles with the enemy that I was completely unaware of until my last week spent with my family. My flesh has a nature, has a tendency to search for rationalization and to restore pain through my will/control.I have been disciplined by the Lord to recognize this tendency, yet I at times forget and the enemy creeps in. Fear takes over.

The last three days have been spent at my Aunts with my family, including my daddy. He flew in with the news that the woman to whom with the strength and love of God, who shaped each individual in my family, is slowly passing away. Most likely she may not make it through the night. Today, I sneaked away with my Aunt and future mother in law, and we tried on the wedding dress. I'm glad there was a curtain because there was a moment I lost control. All these emotions crept up on me and fear took over me.

I fear for my babies. Will Lottie find her strength in God, or continue to seek control in her behaviors as her sister? Does Emma know how much I love her and that she is MINE, My Baby sister, mommy and daddy's baby girl and always will be? Will their lives be protected in Mexico City? Will my mommy's heart continue to break and lose it's precious innocence it always held? Will daddy be the leader to God's arms they need? Will everything be ok?Will new found Love continue to strengthen me, or will I fall? Fear has taken over.

My mommy sent me a note my brother sent to me on his blog when I left for DBU four years ago, oh how scared I was. It overwhelms me to think of all that has happened in the last 4 years. This was it:

Bucket starts at DBU today! She is now officially a patriot. I think some advice for my baby sister is needed:

1. Do not pull all nighters! This is the best advice I can give you. Study during the day while you are fresh. Since you do not have a 9:00-5:00, there is no need to study past 10:00. Although sometimes you might need to.

2. Don't freak out at midterms!

3. Don't make fun of the emo kids. I know, I know, it is soooo tempting, but just try to be nice. Especially to the philosophy majors. They act like they have cracked the code of life, but really it is all common sense.

4. Call me if you need anything!

5. Be a dork and write your name with all of the professional specifications that you want and degrees like I did at the beginning of the post. It's fun. Just don't tell anyone...oh, oops =D

Take some names, Bucket! Take that athletic drive and strength from competition and take no prisoners! WHAT TIME IS IT?!?!? GAME TIME!!

Weakens me to think of all the "one year since's" coming up to celebrate in the next few months in comparison to even my first arrival at DBU:

• Tomorrow, is mine and Mark's one year anniversary
• February, I found the Lord. lol more like He found me. The moment, EXACT moment I felt His Spirit and accepted His Truth, I have been restored. I began a journey of complete restoration.
• March 2nd, was day one. It will be one year since I was just a little girl, that I have been free from my eating disorder.

I am reminded by my reminiscence today. I have nothing to fear. It is impossible for me to forget what the Lord has done in my heart. I have complete Trust in His Will. In the end, I will declare my story, His Love, His plan...PERFECT. I will bow before Him and declare His glory over my flesh,my soul. I will cast all His perfect works in crowns before Him and as my past idols burn beneath my feet, I will continue to glorify Him. I deserved the fires of hell, but He held me, and pulled me out of the pit of fire I continuously jumped into. Oh how I praise Him and long to hold tighter to His Love.

The Lord is in control of my family, my heart, even that first day at DBU up till now...Peace takes over. I know His work is beautiful, and it will be a masterpiece.

Goodbye fear.

2011 Plans

My 2011 To Do: Basically WEDDING PLANS

1. To be more vulnerable in my love's arms. I still often struggle with this concept in the Lord's arms at times. I no longer see it as weakness, but I am so conditioned to stiffen and pull away into myself. When I came home from Mexico, my heart was so heavy, and I pushed love away. I cant do this to my sweet Mark and I know if I bring this to the Lord's altar, He will continue to bring down my walls. I have full confidence He is continuously healing my heart, and disciplining my mind.

2. Focus on career options for when I graduate next December: CPS, I would love to teach Psychology...i would love to get my Masters in counseling, but I don't know financially,Lots of choices but those are the main ones. Any suggestions? I'm taking them.

3. Kick of my ministry Mind vs Flesh

4. Really excited about leading a study, Spiritual Warfare, through THREAD(womens ministry)

5.Couples Counseling with my sweet Mark

6. Gain 10 pounds(its harder than you think)

7. Go visit my family in Mexico for a few weeks this summer.

8. Plan a wedding!

Im sure this is going to grow! yay!