Broke Again

This is completely random to my family and Mark, because I have kept trying to forget the hurtful words said to me this past year. Really it was at one time from multiple people, but now of course I question anyones sincerity. I have decided tonight, to move on. No more will I mourn over those hurtful relationships. The assumption that I am selfish and an attention seeker from what I have been through makes me sick. Not just because these words were from individuals I thought cared about me, but the fact that they most likely have these assumptions about anyone who struggles with anything they lack the maturity and insight to understand.

I give and give and give room for the people I love to grow and change and endure hardships. But not me, why I am I not allowed to be human? I'm sick of people, yet I cant help loving them. I hurt for them. But I just cant trust them anymore. I have Christ, Mark (the love of my life), and my family. Im good. I dont need fake love. I dont need people to ask me how I am and not really care, I dont need to be said hello to, if there is no worth of me in the individuals eyes. That is why I got rid of facebook. My love ones talk to me outside of that dimension. I dont want the others.

Conversation at Starbucks

This morning, I ran into my fifth grade teacher at Starbucks. Instead of running off to our list of things to do, we sat and chatted for bit. My favorite part of this conversation went like this:

Mrs. Ash: Im so proud of you, not surprised at all.

Me: awkward smile

Mrs. Ash: You are the strongest most hard headed child I have ever taught. I hope you held on to that. I punished you for it, yet never meant to take that away from you, only meant to help you direct it.

Me: lol...smiled

Mrs.Ash: Do you still run

Me: everyday, I have to.

Mrs.Ash:I remember at recess, you would run around the playground doing laps, you always did this on your quiet days, days you also did not eat lunch. I even talked to your father about it, because I saw something there. You were a very abnormal fifth grader.

Me:yeah...something. That will you speak of, is very strong. Running is more to me than most. Its my mind controlling my flesh. God has taught me to beat me body into submission to His will. Not mine.

Ash: Your passion still gives me chills. Again, you are the strongest willed child, now a woman. Elisabeth God has a will for you.

Me: smile and teared up.

My Mommy

Oh how I love my mommy! Mothers day was a weepy day, like most of the holidays this past year. At some points throughout this past year, I have longed for one family member more than the other. Certain scenarios stimulate different needs and desires which my loving family each meet differently. My father, makes me strong. I'm a fighter today, because he fought so hard for me. My brother brings wisdom and laughter into everything. James leads me and always has, being my big brother and all.WWJD, what would James do. This is not an easy task to accomplish if you know my personality. It is said I am stubborn and extremely strong willed. But it is the stubborn personality and strong will that saved my life. My little sisters, bring such a hope into my life. They have both been through so much in their little life, yet love so passionately.

My mommy, is the love, joy, peace, and understanding I long for in my future. There are lots of sweet young and old women I have met in my life. Some that have the chance to become self-actualized. None are as purely sweet, loving, and naive, lol, as my mommy. Most adorable woman you will meet in this life.

Our relationship can be seen as a battle. From day one, my mother fought for me. She had four miss carriages before me, yes I am a miracle, permission to be impressed : ). Growing up, I was so strong willed, that if she spanked me as hard as she could, I would look at her, smile and say that didn't hurt, though it did, daring her to try again. As I grew, the battle reached it's climax.Satan broke my will, and I was falling fast. My mommy, with her wisdom and love of Christ, broke through Satan's stronghold, and led me to the loving embrace of my Father. This past year, there has been definite battle of will. I had one side telling me one thing, my family telling me another, and Satan telling lies of both of them. God I could no longer hear. My mommy stepped in between them all and reminded me of the will God gave me. She always reminds me.

I love my mommy oh so very much, and miss her. But I have never been more proud of her.