My Precious Sisters, What I Would Say

Fear Takes Over

It has been an emotional week for me. I came home from Mexico with a heavy heart to bring to the Lord. Each loved one in my family is going through hardships and daily battles with the enemy that I was completely unaware of until my last week spent with my family. My flesh has a nature, has a tendency to search for rationalization and to restore pain through my will/control.I have been disciplined by the Lord to recognize this tendency, yet I at times forget and the enemy creeps in. Fear takes over.

The last three days have been spent at my Aunts with my family, including my daddy. He flew in with the news that the woman to whom with the strength and love of God, who shaped each individual in my family, is slowly passing away. Most likely she may not make it through the night. Today, I sneaked away with my Aunt and future mother in law, and we tried on the wedding dress. I'm glad there was a curtain because there was a moment I lost control. All these emotions crept up on me and fear took over me.

I fear for my babies. Will Lottie find her strength in God, or continue to seek control in her behaviors as her sister? Does Emma know how much I love her and that she is MINE, My Baby sister, mommy and daddy's baby girl and always will be? Will their lives be protected in Mexico City? Will my mommy's heart continue to break and lose it's precious innocence it always held? Will daddy be the leader to God's arms they need? Will everything be ok?Will new found Love continue to strengthen me, or will I fall? Fear has taken over.

My mommy sent me a note my brother sent to me on his blog when I left for DBU four years ago, oh how scared I was. It overwhelms me to think of all that has happened in the last 4 years. This was it:

Bucket starts at DBU today! She is now officially a patriot. I think some advice for my baby sister is needed:

1. Do not pull all nighters! This is the best advice I can give you. Study during the day while you are fresh. Since you do not have a 9:00-5:00, there is no need to study past 10:00. Although sometimes you might need to.

2. Don't freak out at midterms!

3. Don't make fun of the emo kids. I know, I know, it is soooo tempting, but just try to be nice. Especially to the philosophy majors. They act like they have cracked the code of life, but really it is all common sense.

4. Call me if you need anything!

5. Be a dork and write your name with all of the professional specifications that you want and degrees like I did at the beginning of the post. It's fun. Just don't tell anyone...oh, oops =D

Take some names, Bucket! Take that athletic drive and strength from competition and take no prisoners! WHAT TIME IS IT?!?!? GAME TIME!!

Weakens me to think of all the "one year since's" coming up to celebrate in the next few months in comparison to even my first arrival at DBU:

• Tomorrow, is mine and Mark's one year anniversary
• February, I found the Lord. lol more like He found me. The moment, EXACT moment I felt His Spirit and accepted His Truth, I have been restored. I began a journey of complete restoration.
• March 2nd, was day one. It will be one year since I was just a little girl, that I have been free from my eating disorder.

I am reminded by my reminiscence today. I have nothing to fear. It is impossible for me to forget what the Lord has done in my heart. I have complete Trust in His Will. In the end, I will declare my story, His Love, His plan...PERFECT. I will bow before Him and declare His glory over my flesh,my soul. I will cast all His perfect works in crowns before Him and as my past idols burn beneath my feet, I will continue to glorify Him. I deserved the fires of hell, but He held me, and pulled me out of the pit of fire I continuously jumped into. Oh how I praise Him and long to hold tighter to His Love.

The Lord is in control of my family, my heart, even that first day at DBU up till now...Peace takes over. I know His work is beautiful, and it will be a masterpiece.

Goodbye fear.

2011 Plans

My 2011 To Do: Basically WEDDING PLANS

1. To be more vulnerable in my love's arms. I still often struggle with this concept in the Lord's arms at times. I no longer see it as weakness, but I am so conditioned to stiffen and pull away into myself. When I came home from Mexico, my heart was so heavy, and I pushed love away. I cant do this to my sweet Mark and I know if I bring this to the Lord's altar, He will continue to bring down my walls. I have full confidence He is continuously healing my heart, and disciplining my mind.

2. Focus on career options for when I graduate next December: CPS, I would love to teach Psychology...i would love to get my Masters in counseling, but I don't know financially,Lots of choices but those are the main ones. Any suggestions? I'm taking them.

3. Kick of my ministry Mind vs Flesh

4. Really excited about leading a study, Spiritual Warfare, through THREAD(womens ministry)

5.Couples Counseling with my sweet Mark

6. Gain 10 pounds(its harder than you think)

7. Go visit my family in Mexico for a few weeks this summer.

8. Plan a wedding!

Im sure this is going to grow! yay!

I Am Drawn To Them

Biology of Belief article:http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1879016,00.html

I read this article in my doctors office when I went to my check up on my knee this week. Reading this article gave me an overwhelming need to shout praises to God. Just a year ago, I would have read this article, and supported it 100%, forgetting all I was taught and raised up by a godly family to believe. As I am typing, with tears flowing, I am so humbled that Truth screamed victorious over my sinful pursuit to validation. And it breaks my heart as I continue to study psychology,to see these individuals come so close to Truth, but still blind. I ache for them to see Him because I remember. I remember the frustration, loss of hope, loneliness, and ANGER I felt so deeply within the core of my soul as I searched within myself. A search that I could not find rest, until I fell hard into His arms. I ache. I cry for them. Knowing what God has done, and learning each day, I know I have a responsibility to scream His Truth in the midst of the lies I once held as truth, so others will know Truth. Please pray for me as I continue to" listen for God to say go, hold back,love them, hold them, let go, leave them to Me" (Hannah) and eventually, I pray, well done.

This Semester

It has been a crazy couple of months.Notice the empty blog. Some may know of the pain of not being able to be by the love of your life daily. So you may be able to sympathize. Every day, I get caught up in my school work and ministry.Though lately, my ministry is purely online with girls all over the world with eating disorders. Hardest thing EVER to communicate through facebook, and not be able to hold them. All of this is done with a sense that something is missing. That something is my sweet Mark. He has been my encourager this semester. When I feel defeated, he boldly speaks Truth and fights the enemy alongside me. When I fear, He holds me tighter and says nothing but in silence the prayers in His heart. When I gain victory, He points me to the Lord.

It is so hard to be apart. I physically ache at points in the day in longing for him to be with me. Oh how I love him. After Thanksgiving, I went back to school to work on some stuff. Three hours after I had been there, I finally got back in my car and drove to him so I could be in his arms a little longer. Irrational? Yeah a little, but that’s what Mark does to me. For so many years, I have studied and disciplined myself to analyze all thoughts and actions. I tried with all my being to isolate all that was irrational and eliminate it, equipping myself to grow to a complete rationale being. The process hardened me. I began to see myself like a machine, rather than a human being with emotions. God has used mark in my life as an instrument to reprogram and rebute. From day one, my heart became transformed with the image of Christ in him. I saw His Love and Grace and I will never be the same. I love deeper and cry harder, and it’s good. I am alive and renewed and ready to walk down the aisle in complete vulnerability within the arms of my sweet Mark. Ready to say I do to all things ahead, becoming one, and proclaiming Christ to the end of our days.

Our engagement story

Mark here. Been a week since the big news so I figured it is about time to tell the story of our engagement!

Liz & I have discussed it before, so I had been looking for a good day to do it. After a couple of weekends didn't work out for various reasons, I decided last Friday (6/25) was the day! I started things in motion by calling her family on Tuesday night (6/22). I admit that was a little nerve wracking. There was no reason for it to be since I get along with all her family great and they love me....but still it is a pretty big question lol. So I talked with her Dad for about 20 minutes. After the first minute or so, the nerves were pretty much gone and it was all good. Great chat.

Then I called my folks. They were surprised, but in a good way. Then that was it. I told one friend the next day, but otherwise I kept it on the down low.

Flash forward to Friday. My plan during the week was to go over her place like normal, eat dinner out, and then propose after that. I was going to do it after dinner for two reasons: to be romantic and (most importantly) so it wouldn't be so hot lol. However when I noticed the temperature was only going to be in the low 80s that evening, I decided to do it before we ate dinner. I left work early, chilled at my folks' for a few until she was done babysitting, and then headed that way. Earlier in the day, I texted her and asked her if we could walk around down by the lake. I said we could walk for a few minutes before heading out. I said it was because I was tired and I needed to wake up. This was true, but obviously not the real reason hehe. So when I got there, I asked her if we could go on down there. She first thought that I meant The Harbor in Rockwall. I said nope and she was still good with it. Phew! So we started walking down to the lake.

Side note: I picked the lake to propose because when we were walking down there after one of our first dates, she said it was one of her favorite places. From that moment, I always knew it would be the place.

So back to the walk down to the lake. As we were walking and talking, I kept looking over at her to see if she was catching on to what I was doing. It appeared I was getting away with my surprise! We walked through a grass field and then to the walkway down by the marina. After a few minutes, we got to near the end of the walkway and a little part of the land that goes out into the lake (i.e. her favorite place). We talked for a second and then she mentioned us coming out here on one of our first dates. After that, I spun her around (Liz had to remind me of this, I don't even remember I did that lol) and then I said "Speaking of that, close your eyes". She did, I got down on one knee with the ring in a little glass slipper, said my thing and she said yes! I knew from the look in her eyes she was totally surprised, so this made me double happy : )

From there, we walked back and then went off to Chili's to celebrate. We picked there because that is where we had our first date.

So there you go! I can't wait to see what the future holds for us. I am super excited. I love you Liz!!!!

P.S. The pic below is our 1st pic after I proposed. Liz's next door neighbor took it with my cell phone.

Engaged!

Big news.....we are engaged!! More details later this week. Swof out.